In Memoriam

This blog is dedicated to the memory of my beloved sister Erin, who suddenly passed away on April 28, 2011 from complications resulting from Lyme disease.

I am writing this now because I was unable to stand up at her funeral and speak about her life. I regret that now. Here was a girl who felt unloved her whole life and I didn’t have enough courage to overcome my own emotions of shock and anger and loss, to face my sorrow and deliver a proper eulogy. At the time I was struggling with my own complicated emotions. It seemed somehow dishonest to get up there and speak only of her love for gardening, yoga, the color purple, purple jelly shoes (see photo above) and “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves; how she was a gifted athlete and had a talent for fashion that could take your breath away, and always treasured, of all things, a box of buttons collected by my Grandma Bette – and not to speak of the many ways she could drive me insane, drive me tears, and drive me to depression. On top of all that, I was certain that I didn't know all there was to know about her. I was sure she had friends who knew more and different things about the person she was. And I was angry about that. She was my sister and I should have known her best. And now my chance was gone.

There were only two of us. We were always jealous of each other but too kind to speak of it, not trusting the other to understand or to have compassion. The greatest of our shared memories were painful ones, and being together only reminded us of the suffering we longed to escape as children. I don’t think she ever understood that about me – I pushed her away because being with her only reminded me that my family was dysfunctional. She always thought I was pushing her away because of who she was. Well, I hope in heaven she knows the truth of my heart. In my own self-centered way I was only doing the best I could do.

I try to picture her last day alive – getting her antibiotics in the mail, texting our mother about it, calling her best friend to see if she was weathering the storms with her twins both inside the house and out. She laid down for a nap, perhaps fitfully. Did she dream of heaven – a place where she would no longer feel pain, or sorrow, or exhaustion?

She rose to dress and put on something funky and stylish, something off the thrift store racks where she shopped with abandon and delight.

And then – gone.

As Sirius Black from the Harry Potter books suggests, perhaps dying for her was, “Quicker than falling asleep.” Perhaps, groggy from her nap, she never truly awakened before she fell asleep forever – no longer to suffer in body and spirit the ravages of this life. I hope that this is true. For in her life she suffered enough. She deserved to have a painless death.

So long my beloved sister. In Heaven, may the peace of Christ be yours. May you know for certain that you are beautiful, that you are God’s, and that you were and are, always, loved.